the day we decided to live

featured image by Jaunathan Gagnon on Unplash

October 4, 2020

Dr. Pine’s Patient Journal Records

Jake Haddock

In hindsight, when we had to park the car out of sight on a dirt road with only a government power strip built on it then cross the barren back road to reach the GPS location, we should’ve known it was a bad idea. But it wasn’t like we were worried for our lives. We never have been.

My memories of that day aren’t the best. But if you’re right that it’ll help then I’ll try my best to get this right.

It had been a long day: my car broke down after a 10 hour shift and my best friend, Darian, had to come pick me up. Neither of us could figure out what was wrong with it so I ended up calling an overrun roadside mechanic who said he could come out and check it out the following day.

I was so beyond frustrated, both with my car and my long-distance boyfriend’s lack of response. Probably sleeping, but I wasn’t in the mood to think logically. Me and Darian Darian and I were tired and had class the next morning. One cheap food run from the shortest drive through line we could find then we were off to my apartment to hang out.

We hadn’t done that in weeks, we didn’t have the time or energy. What time we didn’t spend working or on campus was spent in bed, not wanting to get up to leave to see the other.

We were sitting in silence, doing that parallel play thing you told me about, when Darian asked, “Hey Jake, attractor, void, or anomaly?”

“...What?”

He turned his phone towards me and showed me a screen asking the same thing. “It’s Randonautica.”

“It’s what now?”

“You haven’t heard of it? It’s been all over the internet, mostly Tik Tok.”

I shook my head. I hadn’t been paying much attention to anything the past months weeks in a while, but I knew Darian was spending too much attention to the internet around then.

“What is it?”

He explained it was an app that gave you a random location and you just...went there. He almost mentioned something about manifestation but I had already agreed and was taking his phone out of his hand. Or maybe I’d just stopped listening. I needed something to do or a distraction that wasn’t just my own anxiety biting at me.

Most of the screen was taken up by a GPS map with a radius of ‘2km’. I dunno, I’m American. At the bottom were the choices of Attractor, Power, and Void. I hit Void, not even bothering to ask what they meant, then ‘generate’.

The screen turned black and white text appeared. ‘What would you like to find?’

“Something interesting,” I think one of us said. Something that made moving worth it. Something worth leaving the apartment for the second time in one day. Something that made life worth living.

‘Imagine it. Manifest it.’

Because we were nerds who answered fourth wall breaking media, we did as we were told and closed our eyes, trying to manifest a reason to live. Not like we didn’t spend every day doing that already. When we opened them, an owl took up the screen telling us to prepare and I didn’t even get the chance to blink when the map came back up.

‘Generated point; Void Anomaly’

Under it was an address I didn’t recognize. Zooming in on the map I could see the point was in the middle of woods. “Is that private property?” Darian asked, squinting.

“Sure is! You ready?”

I grabbed my Emergency Drive bag, the one I told you about. It’s just a bag containing my portable charger, an extra cord, a bunch of granola bars, chapstick, a notebook and pen, and a water bottle. It was solely for the purpose of when things got bad in my head and I just needed to get in my car and drive. I used it more often these days.

Less than twenty minutes later, we’re both standing on the side of the road across from the point. Darian had to park on a dirt road a ways off, not willing to risk the eager car thieves in the city, and we walked over. Waited for the road to be clear and darted across.

On the other side, there was this ditch directly off the pavement filled with lumps of dirt similar to snake pouches all along it. It was the only way to the woods with a treeless stretch of tall grass. We both stood at the top of the drop off, staring down into the thorns and possible snake pits.

“Maybe we’ll find a dead body,” I said, referencing one of the stories I had read on the way there. With my phone plugged into Darian’s car charger of course. No way was I going into this with it even on 99%.

“Hopefully it’ll be one of our own.”

I didn’t comment. Especially when I agreed with him.

A sewer pipe went right underneath the road, leading into the overgrown bank. The grass went up to our knees and it wasn’t until we were already in that we noticed the briars growing along ankle-height.

“Welp, here we go!” I said with only a slight tint of enthusiasm. I started through the briar patch and Darian reluctantly followed me. Since we had come right from my apartment and neither of us were known for thinking things through, we weren’t exactly dressed for the occasion.

I had on short shorts and Darian had long shorts as well as sandals; at least I had on tennis shoes. If Darian came with me to sessions, we’d be dressed the exact same way. Creatures of habit I guess.

As we walked, I could feel every little cut on my legs as the briars dug into my skin and scratched my flesh on their way out until I was past. Long cuts of red were scattered on both of our legs.

Finally, we got through and we were on the edge of the woods. Darian pulled up the GPS and handed it to me since I can actually read a map. Turning it so it matched where we were facing and holding it parallel to the ground, I pointed up ahead. “Look, see! It’s the middle of this pathway where there aren’t trees.”

“Unless we want to deal with more briars, we’re not going straight there.” Darian pointed ahead of us and sure enough, grass taller than even him along with even more briars grew everywhere in the stretch. The woods it was.

I took the lead and we headed into the woods. It was only short in width as it bordered a farm; it was the woods on the other side of the stretch that was formidable. It went on for miles according to the GPS map and neither of us were good with directions when everything looked the same and we couldn’t see the sun. Still aren’t.

All throughout the small journey to our destination, I laughed as Darian stumbled his way over fallen logs and small creeks of water criss-crossing all along the dirt floor. He nearly tripped right into a tree and I caught his arm.

“Didn’t you say you grew up on a farm in a rural area? Did you never go exploring in the woods?” The thought baffled me. I told you in my intake I had spent 85% of my childhood and high school years in the woods, playing pretend and just going on forever until the darkness pushed me back home.

Darian shook his head. “Our woods weren’t really woods like this. I never went in them much anyway.”

“What did you spend your time doing?”

He smiled at me, a real genuine smile I hadn’t seen in months. “Playing video games.”

It was a sweet bonding moment that got ruined real soon. I spotted something dark through the soft, brightly lit grass and leaped out into the strip. I darted over and stumbled back just as fast.

Darian followed me and lurched back. An animal carcass was strewn across the only patch of short grass, torn apart and unrecognizable. Hundreds, maybe thousands of flies swarmed the area and we both took heavy steps away.

Flies. Hundreds of little flies. I batted at them, but I could feel little flicks all over me as they flocked to me and Darian. I still do in my nightmares sometimes. I pressed my lips together in an effort to keep them from getting in my mouth. Waving my hands around in a feeble attempt to get them away from me, I accidentally smacked Darian right in the shoulder.

“Feck, sorry dude.”

But he didn’t answer me. I blinked through the swarm and if I had eaten that day, it would’ve come right back up. The dead deer was laying in the small patch of short grass, right in between us and the rest of the easy way through the stretch.

…You know I’m from the mountains, my family is a combination of hillbillies and rednecks, and I had a vulture as a best friend back home; I’ve talked about her. Dead animals were as common occurrence as roadkill being the main feature of dinners at family reunions.

But this was much worse than simple roadkill. This was a mutilation. An attack on the poor thing. Its entire body was torn open, entrails and organs spilling out into the blood-caked grass. Bones were almost licked clean and we could see the skull through a hole in the neck.

 I almost threw up writing about this here.

I felt Sick. I backed away and ran back to the woods, Darian right on my heels. As soon as we entered the dark, shady, and death-free safety of the trees, I keeled over and crouched in the dirt. Burying my head into my arms and trying to take deep breaths. Beside me, I could feel Darian doing the same.

A pricking at the back of my head nudged at me and I violently shook it away. A pleasant but jealous feeling that I don’t feel like you psychoanalyzing. “Alright, that’s enough for today. Want to go to another location?”

Darian shook his head and pointed at his phone screen. “We’re not too far from the coords. Might as well go all the way and make this worth it.” He pointedly didn’t look at the corpse when speaking.

I thought about it for only a moment before shrugging and nodding my head. We continued on through the woods and kept going around the strip. In complete silence, we followed his offline GPS until we were directly across from the bright red point.

We looked at each other then stepped out of the woods and crossed the barrier further into our nightmare. Not even 10 footsteps away was stomped grass that led back into the woods. This was where the point was supposed to be. Broken glass littered the ground, quite literally; it looked like someone had littered.

“Bastards. We’re running out of untouched forests on this planet.”

“Aren’t these randomly generated?”

“We’re not that far from the farm. Probably one of their kids hiding their drinking from overbearing parents.” But even he didn’t sound convinced. I didn’t know why, but something about the area didn’t seem right. Maybe I just wanted to believe that since it was a new place and something was odd about it. I bet if someone came into my apartment building’s backyard, they’d feel something was off too, but it would just be the overturned lawn chairs we hadn’t bothered to pick up after the last storm.

I bent down and carefully picked up a piece of glass, holding it up to eyelevel to inspect it. It was thin and after looking closely, was curved just a bit. My stomach dropped and I looked around, spotting a broken piece of long, slender plastic.

“Fuck no. This wasn’t a beer bottle. It was glasses. Like, eyeglasses.” I looked up at Darian through my own glasses and he blinked at me through his. This had gotten too creepy and close to home and it seemed he agreed with me as we both started lightly sprinting for the woods.

As we ran, something hit me. Nothing physical, nothing stopped me from running. But something for sure hit my chest. I stopped of my own accord and turned back towards the strip and started walking. Why?

Good question. Wish I had an answer for you.

Behind me, I could vaguely hear Darian asking what the feck I was doing but I just kept walking. Just like when I drive down random roads at night with no real direction, when I go on walks through town and take random turns, it was like something was telling me to go that way. That I needed to see what was there.

As I broke through the clearing, I regretted it immediately. A circle of mowed grass amongst the overgrowing field of weeds wasn’t what we were expecting to find but alright. Just to add to the weirdness factor.

“What the fuck is going on, Jake?” Darian’s voice sounded ten miles away and right at my ear, still incredibly tired.

All I could do was shake my head, an overcoming sense of dread took me over and I turned and booked it. Praying Darian was behind me, I skipped along back into the woods and looked all around me. There was still plenty of daylight, I knew this. My phone said 3:46 pm with no reception. But the sky was growing darker already. Not even in the Winter did it get night this quickly.

I started running and dodging trees, reaching out my hands to feel for bark and shoving myself out of their way. My foot caught on a log and I went face first onto the ground. The warm, soft ground.

All at once, my body relaxed for the first time in what felt like forever. I rolled onto my back and took in a deep, deep breath. I almost didn’t need it; I couldn’t breathe but also could breathe finally. Nothing held it back, nothing weighing on my heart to keep it from beating at a steady, normal pace.

The overbearing, sinking feeling over took my chest, begging to drag me down into the depths of the woods. The trees closed in overhead and the sun was successfully blocked out. No light streamed in, the only source being from the far off tower strip.

I tried to move but couldn’t. I raised my arm and it just dropped back to my side, it was af it was light as a feather, with hollow bones, and filled with lead at the same time. I let my head hit the dirt as I leaned back as all my motivation to stay up left me.

But it wasn’t scary. Only…

strangely comforting.

It didn’t feel like it wanted to harm me, simply take away any preexisting pain. Take away everything until nothing was left, including the sadness. Dull all my senses. Block out the noises. Silence the humming noise and voices.

I could just not move. Let it consume me, take my spirit and mind away. It would be so easy…

“JAKE!”

Darian’s voice cut through every thought I had. Any resolve I had to let whatever it was take me broke away. My best friend needed me and as much as I wanted to die-

he needed me to live even more.

God they were so heavy

I scrambled to my heavy feet and took off into the strip. I dashed through the grass, ignoring the broken glass, leapt over the decaying deer, waved off the flies, and ran until my legs ached and my chest was burning.

“JAKE!”

The grass cut at my legs and arms, sharp searing pain akin to getting sliced with a knife covered me from head to toe but it was miniscule compared to the building anxiety rising in my tightened chest.

I think I screamed for Darian. I don’t remember hearing it but my throat hurt a lot.

I broke into the circle and there Darian was. Just laying there, staring up at the open blue sky. His arms and legs outstretched as if he was just sunbathing on one of our trips to Tybee. But the fear striking his face and pulsing veins streaming from his clenched fists and neck told me otherwise.

We should go back to Tybee.

I fell to my knees next to him and yanked an arm around my shoulders. Darian had a good five inches and 70 pounds on me, but the shallow breathing and returning clawing feeling in my brain gave me just enough strength to lift my best friend up to get the feck out of there.

We finally made it past the deer and Darian suddenly slipped away from me. I started to panic until he grabbed my hand and we both took off. We ran in the slim space between the woods and strip, leaping over logs and doing our best to avoid briars.

It was the most terrifying time of both of our lives. Especially with the feeling now rising out of the ground to pull at my ankles, trying desperately to drag me back down. I ignored it the best I could…

until I couldn’t.

I briefly stopped, yanking Darian to a stop, and stomped on the nearest stick. It broke right in half and the feeling vanished with a cold, fleeting pass. I slipped my hand around Darian’s wrist and dragged him through the strip.

Then we heard the sweetest sound, calming music to our ears: cars. Driving past at fast ‘back road no cops around’ speeds. We ran faster and the road finally came into view. We only slowed down enough to step on the rocks and climb up and over the sewer pipe. Darian pulled me up and we took one step onto the road.

“Well, we did find a dead body.”

“Shut up.”

Probably dangerous to stand on a road at night, but nothing could’ve felt more dangerous to us than those woods. The pavement felt like heaven to us at that moment. We caught our breath and walked across the road in silence. Back to the car, got in, and just sat there.

Darian started the car and switched on the headlights. The two of us stared into the dimly lit dirt road ahead of us, neither of us wanting to speak. If we did, then that made it real. What we experienced had been real and we had really almost let ourselves be left behind.

Writing this down made this real. I should call him.

We had almost died. To this day we don’t know what about what we felt led us to believe death was the end goal, but neither of us doubt we would’ve died if we hadn’t just gotten up and left. No matter how hard it was to do so.

Something we had both wanted for so long. But given the chance, we didn’t let go. It didn’t feel like the other attempts, to me anyway. I had been in control then.

“You good?” I managed to croak out.

Darian huffed out a weak laugh. “Not in the least bit. You?”

“I’m never going into the woods again.”

Eventually, he put the car into drive and we left. Back to my apartment. I had work early in the morning, at that damn car wash I told you about, but we didn’t want to be alone that night. So we slept on my floor where I held tight onto his jacket sleeve until the sun rose. Neither of us brought up him choosing to call for help nor me answering that call.